Don’t Let This Be You
Think of the most annoying human that has ever screeched to a distressing halt in the existence of your life. Did he happen to have stringy black hair, thick-rimmed glasses, or disgustingly tight pants? Or perhaps he was wearing lots of useless metal studs, kind of like a dog? If you have nodded yes to any of the above, you, friend, have experienced what we in the realm of the normal call “The Emo Kid”. Luckily, The Emo Kid syndrome is completely avoidable. To prevent oneself from becoming or being in contact with Emo, one must first recognize the enemy, understand why it is wrong, then attack it with full force.
The first step to understanding The Emo Kid is to understand his origin. “Emo” is short for “emotions”, which is a sad, pathetic word used to describe something that only sad, pathetic people use. Moody and brooding, The Emo Kid spends most of his day in seclusion, singing along to sappy lyrics of bad songs and crying about his dead goldfish. Emo kids tend to burden others with their intense and bothersome feelings, using completely random words and trying to scribble it into poetry. “Other than this probably being one of the most romantic and well-written love scenes I have read, it describes so much deeper that my eyes were just opened to. The sense that in life there are so many unknowns and it makes life unattainable in one moment and all there in the next”. This is a quote by Kyle A.K.A. “risenbloodrose” on his extremely profound and startling views of The Great Gatsby, which of course in his Emo ways, make absolutely no sense. It is simply impossible for The Emo Kid to just be happy, and that is why he is affectionately named “Emo”. Thus, the origin of the title “Emo Kid” comes from his annoyingly extreme outlook.
Emo-ites, although a seemingly helpless and futile group of people, are a plague on our culture. These poppy punks feel the need to stick out and be different, effectively by all dressing the same in tight pants and messy black hair. In fact, a very Emo thing to do is the subject will put make-up on him or herself regardless of his or her gender in a way that it makes him or her appear to be crying, or very angst-filled and dark. The common trend is to cake on black glittery eye make-up underneath the lower lid, then throw most of his or her hair all over her face so normal people can’t actually tell that it’s just make-up. However, this is just an alarming distortion in The Emo Kid’s mind, along with the belief that women’s clothes look good on men. Often times Emo boys will be seen lurking in the aisles of women’s department stores, trying on the smallest sizes of pants and thus cutting off all manhood and dignity they ever had. Then there is the color black. Personally, I have never understood why so many people believe black represents “expression”, because it’s such a plain and typical color. Emo kids tend to all wear it, on their hair, on their studded belts, and always on torn, vintage-looking T-shirts that have underground, reasonably unpopular bands printed on the front. In the act of trying to be non-conformists, they become conformists, thus being that much closer to being communists. Essentially, Emo and its minions cause disgrace among the masses.
Emo Kids’ life revolves around the clanging racket that comes out of their headphones and stereos. Apparently there are different kinds of “their music”: pop punk, classic punk, hardcore punk, emo punk, etc. Alarmingly, these poor kids don’t seem to understand that having the same guitar riffs and nasally-voiced singers in all these types of music makes it all sound passé. Lyrics from one particularly ear-wrenching Emo-esque band, Sunny Day Real Estate, include “killed by an angel lost inside amazing colors, it's never how you feel, it comes in a bottle. Let's say you found a gun; how would your bad side burn?” There is no way for any normal person to relate to that pile of rubble, although another popular Emo “thing” is to relate all this nonsensical lyrics to one’s own boring life. This is obviously a waste of music, because if we were rid of this awful noise known as “punk”, there would be more room for better bands to blossom in pop culture. Clearly, Emo music is just an insult and should hardly have an entire collection of people gravitating around it.
There is also another curiously disturbing thing about the way of Emo. An Internet monstrosity almost worse than porn itself has erupted from these evil Emo-ites; an infection is known as “cam-whoring”. Cam-whoring is short for camera whoring, a process in which The Emo Kid basically takes a bunch of pictures of him or herself. However, he or she cannot under any circumstances be looking at the camera, be looking happy, or really have any distinguishable facial features whatsoever. This is known as art by the Emo-ites, and that is very, very tragic. In fact, Emo in its entirety is just very, very tragic.
So now you are probably asking how to avoid the terrible mistake of Emo-kind. In theory, most kids become Emo because they feel that they are ugly and need a group to be accepted into and a disguise to cam-whore under. Either that, or they are just influenced by very bad music to mutilate their dignity. So I suppose my synopsis is not to listen to anything “punk” or “emo”. It’s as simple as that, just don’t have bad taste in music and you will fare fine in the world. As said by one of our wise and dear Emo companions, “The shattering firework of saliva hath rained down upon me as I reveled in the awesomeness that eminated from the stage........of Norma Jean”-Jane, A.K.A. “emohappy”. Don’t let this be you, listen to good music.